


the things that i say just might matter to someone

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s03e11 Here I Go Again, post 3x11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 19:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20698823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: “I shot myself,” Zari eventually murmured, a whisper in the night, almost too quiet for Sara to hear.(She didn't know Sara. Not well enough for this.)“You know,” Sara started, soft words eventually breaking the silence that had fallen between them, “I poisoned myself once. Because I couldn’t see any other options.” Zari's gaze shifted, and Sara gave her shoulder a light nudge. "There's a lot you don't know about me."OR, zari's not coping well with her memories of the time loops and sara realises there are a lot more similarities between them than she thought





	the things that i say just might matter to someone

**Author's Note:**

> I found this the other day and I'm fairly sure I wrote it over a year and a half ago and then completely forgot it existed, so enjoy some early sara and zari angst
> 
> not very well edited and from waaay back before I spent a year and a 350k hsau improving my writing lmao
> 
> *cw: references attempted suicide, in the same context as canon*
> 
> (title from 'you matter to me', because it's been playing on loop in my head since I saw waitress last week)

Sara knocked quietly against the cool metal of Zari’s door frame, hesitant to enter the room. Zari looked up from where she was sat on the floor, legs tangled in a blanket that was once on the bed as she leant back on the wall, running a hand through her dishevelled hair. Her voice was hoarse as she murmured “You might as well come in, Sara.” 

She hoped Sara hadn't picked up on it.

(Of course she had.) She was a master assassin, and she wouldn’t have just materialised in her room - so she must’ve come here with a  purpose _ . _ She had probably been screaming in her sleep again, if the way her throat felt like gravel was anything to go by. Sara didn't mention it, carefully stepping over the piles of clothes and paper scattered across Zari’s floor to come and sit beside her, close enough that Zari could reach out to her if she wanted, but far enough away that she wasn’t imposing on Zari’s space, the space she desperately needed right now as she tried to pull herself back together.  
  
  


“I shot myself,” Zari eventually murmured, a whisper in the night, almost too quiet for Sara to hear. The briefest flash of shock passed through Sara's expression before it faded into something else, something that Zari couldn’t quite place, but something familiar. Zari’s gaze was pointedly fixed on the wall, too scared of Sara’s reaction to her words; she’d let herself be too vulnerable, too open, and she’d  _ promised _ herself she wouldn’t do this, she was just here to save her family. To save Behrad. 

She didn't even know Sara. Not well enough for this.

“You know,” Sara started, soft words eventually breaking the silence that had fallen between them, “I poisoned myself once. Because I couldn’t see any other options.”

Zari stayed silent but her fist tightened, gripping the blanket she’d wrapped herself in with all the strength she had left as she tried - and failed - to mask her curiosity. Sara exhaled slowly and gave Zari's shoulder a light nudge. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

She’d never told the full story, not to anyone - Oliver never asked, her parents didn’t know, not really, and the other Legends... they were close, but somehow, this had never come up. She bit her lip for a brief moment before saying, this time even quieter and softer than before “I ran away from the League. I couldn’t cope with the killing, it was tearing me apart, and I just...I couldn’t do it anymore.”

She paused, sucking in a shaky breath, wondering whether to stop because this night wasn’t meant to go like this, she was trying to make Zari feel  _ better, _ but at this rate they would both end up a sobbing wreck on Zari’s bedroom floor. But then Zari  _ finally _ turned to face her, curiosity mingled with sorrow in her eyes, and Sara shuddered, because it felt as if Zari  _ needed _ to hear what she was going to say, whatever it cost her. She stumbled over her words slightly before continuing “No one leaves the league. You can’t. So Nyssa came after me, and - “

Her words caught on the lump in her throat and she cut herself off, biting the inside of her lip in a futile attempt to get a hold of her feelings. It had been years, but -

“Nyssa?”, Zari asked softly, voice still tinged with curiosity.

Oh.

She’d forgotten, amidst the chaos, that Zari had only been with the team for a few weeks, and unlike the others she didn’t  _ know _ about her past. She hadn’t been there when Sara had been struggling to get a handle on her bloodlust, she hadn’t seen her kill and maim with deadly skill, or seen anything other than the hard shelled, thick skinned captain Sara had made herself into. She knew next to nothing about... 

Sara swallowed thickly. “Nyssa was the daughter of Ra’s al Ghul, his heir, and - she was the one who saved me, brought me to the league, trained me. She was…”

Zari’s gaze softened, hand moving almost imperceptibly as if she wanted to offer Sara some sort of comfort, but didn’t know what to do. “You loved her,” she murmured, far too loud in the silence of the room.

Sara nodded, making a conscious effort to unclench her fists as she let out the breath she was holding, trying to maintain some sort of control. She took another breath before muttering a soft “yeah,” under her breath adding “I did. But I left, so she was sent to kill me, and I... I really thought she would, for a moment. Because there was no way out for either of us, not really. If she let me live she would be betraying the league, betraying her father, and - and that wasn’t an option. But she loved me, and she couldn’t - she  _ wouldn’t -  _ hurt me, even after everything I’d put her through.” 

She paused for a moment, long enough for Zari to ask what had happened next, before she took another shuddering breath and continued, voice seeming even smaller than before “She kidnapped my mom, and - “ 

A flash of shock crossed Zari’s expression, and Sara felt something protective flare up inside her, something that maybe shouldn’t have been there, but was nonetheless. “She didn’t know any better, she was raised in a ring of assassins.”

“Hey, I’m not judging,” Zari replied far to gently, so unlike the person Sara had come to know. Sara ran a hand through her hair as she murmured a quiet apology. Zari smiled slightly, poking Sara with her toe. “What happened next?”

“I…” Sara bit her lip, knowing that this was  _ why _ she had started to tell Zari this story, but unsure whether to continue, until she saw something akin to  _ understanding _ shining in Zari’s eyes. She needed Zari to know she wasn't alone. Everyone on this ship had struggled at some point, her more than most. She'd tried to wade through the darkness alone, certain that no one around her would understand, refusing to reach out and ask for help - she wasn't going to let Zari make the same mistakes. She swallowed. “I agreed to go back to the league with her, in exchange for her giving up my mom, and I did mean it, at the time, but then…” she shrugged, closing her eyes, not willing to look Zari in the eyes as she finished “the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I  _ couldn’t _ go back. It would kill me. But if Nyssa went back empty handed, it wouldn’t be pretty. So before I traded myself over I drank the sample of pit viper venom we had, because - I just - ”

“You couldn’t see another way out,” Zari finished softly, reiterating their earlier conversation. “I know.”

“Yeah,” Sara whispered, and this time it was her turn to look away, trying valiantly to keep just one shred of the strong, determined Captain she was supposed to be alive, despite knowing that they were well past that point by now. 

Zari hummed in agreement, before adding “I know it was just a simulation, but that’s what made you finally listen to me. Before, every time I tried to tell someone what was happening they looked at me like I was crazy, and I ended up in the medbay. Without fail. I was so mad at you, because you ignored me every time, and we died. Over and over again. And I was exhausted, I’d lived through the situation a thousand times, and it all just seemed hopeless… and it didn’t even work, you know. There weren’t any bullets in the gun, and it didn’t  _ work _ , and I was just standing there in tears on the bridge whilst you and Ray stared and tried to work out what was going on.”

Sara opened her mouth to speak, unsure what to say needing to say  _ something _ , until Zari shook her head and beat her to it. “I know it wasn’t  _ real, _ but - “

“No, Z,” Sara stopped her, words firmer than anything else she’d said all evening, the unfamiliar nickname rolling smoothly off her tongue. “Just because it was a simulation doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. It happened to you, so it counts.”

Zari hesitated, still uncertain, but Sara left no room for argument as she reiterated her point and then pushed herself up off the floor, sitting down firmly on the edge of Zari’s bed. "There are people here you can talk to. Always."

A flash of vulnerability crossed Zari’s expression as she stood up too, curling her arms around her waist. Her eyes found Sara's, her silent _thank you_ louder than anything she'd said that evening. Sara smiled softy, and Zari bit her lip.

“I don’t think I’m ready to sleep yet.”

“I know,” Sara reassured her, gesturing to the space on the bed beside her. Zari rolled her eyes, picking the blanket up off the floor and coming to sit next to Sara on the bed, still a little unsure about where they stood but willing to give Sara a chance, now she knew the true reason for her annoyance over Zari finding loopholes in history. 

“Gideon?” Sara asked softly, and Gideon took the cue, quietly starting up an unfamiliar movie in the background. Sara glanced over to Zari “She used to do this all the time for me. Or we’d talk, on the nights I woke up panicked, too scared to go back to sleep, barely knowing who I was. Knowing I was alive, but feeling like I didn’t deserve to be. Like my family shouldn’t’ve bothered to save me. You didn’t know me, back when I first joined the waverider, but that me… she was nothing like who I am now. I’ll tell you about it, sometime. If you want.”

Zari let out the breath she was holding, leaning back against the wall. “I’d like that. Sometime. If that’s okay.”

Sara nodded, eyes lingering on Zari’s for long enough that she felt well and truly seen, but not necessarily in a bad way. These people… they were like her. Sara flashed her an uncharacteristically soft smile, and Zari couldn’t help but return it.

Maybe she could find a home here after all.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on tumblr @z-tomaz  
comments make my day :)


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